Hell In A Handbasket

THE DEPARTMENT OF LISTS PRESENTS: poo CINCINNATI NEEDS TO GET THE fudge OVER

Food Shit

• Frisch’s.  Shitty sandwiches.  Who the fuck puts tartar sauce on a burger?
• Graeter’s Black Raspberry Chip. Good, but not orgasm-inducing good, like everyone says.
• Goetta.  Oatmeal and sausage mixed together and fried?  Just fucking gross.
• Applebee’s.  It’s the Wal-Mart of casual dining. You’re not at a bistro; you’re at a glorified Arby’s.
• Yellow Tail Wine.  This is as about as wine-like as a Zima.

 Fashion Shit

• Chicken butt haircuts with two-tone hair.  Jeez, what’s it been, 8 years since this fucking style came out?
• Goatees.  Yeah, yeah.  We get it.  You’re a heterosexual male from Cincinnati.  Fucking yawn.
• Capri pants.  You either want to wear shorts or you don’t. Plus, your calves aren’t that nice.
• Brown unisex sandals with the thick soles. Especially combined with a fucking fanny pack.
• Hipster beards.  Come on guys.  Enough is enough.  Mix it up and try a handlebar moustache.
• Baseball caps on everyone.  You don’t look casual; you look like you stopped caring years ago.  And as for the girls?  No; it doesn’t make you look sassy & cute. It makes you look like you didn’t fucking wash your hair and you’re trying to hide it.

 Music Shit

• Jimmy Buffet. Stop dressing like a retarded Hawaiian clown, getting drunk on Mich Ultra, and pretending you know the words to “Cheeseburger in Paradise”.
• Party in the Park.  MTV’s Spring Break Whore Fest disguised as a frat boy convention.
• WEBN.  Hasn’t been musically relevant since 1982. A frog?  Your mascot is a fucking frog!?
• 400 goddamn pop country music stations.  And we can’t even get a decent alt station to last more than a few months?

 Cultural Shit

• East Side vs. West Side.  It’s like making a distinction between Miracle Whip and fucking Mayo.
• The Taste of Anything.  No matter what we’re supposed to be “tasting,” these festivals smell like feet, burnt pizza, and carnies.
• KingsIsland and/or Coney Island.  These aren’t islands.  They’re Carnivals of the Damned with overpriced trinkets made by underaged Taiwanese children.
• WEBN Fireworks.  “Can I have your attention? Can I have your attention?  Will the drunk, fat fuck on the Kentucky side of the river please come down to the front?  We’ve found your mullet.”
• Saying, “Please?” when you want the person you’re talking with to repeat something.  “Please?  Please what?  Please punch you in the stomach? Why certainly!”
• PurplePeople Bridge.  Just burn the goddamn thing down.  No one has ever cared enough to go.
• Where you went to high school.  No one gives a fuck.  Was the high point of your life in 1982? Grow up.

 Home & Garden Shit

• McMansions.  How does anyone know where they live?  They all look alike.  By the way, how you like those property values now?  Thanks President Bush! 
• The IKEA Store.  It’s just a store, people. Besides, I bet you can’t even pronounce any of the names of the products.
• Macy’s.  “Hi. I shop where everyone else shops, because I have no fucking imagination.  Sigh.”  
• Obsession with mulch.  Jeez, are you afraid someone might see your soil?

Do you have any comments about this list? Please feel free message me.  I would love to hear from you, but only if it’s flattering, you agree with me, and want to tell me how awesome I am.