We're hard at work on the next PRINT 'ZINE (insert golf clap)... and I would love to know what you guys would like to see! Tell me what your sick, twisted, demented selves would like to read, what would make you run out at 4:00 in the morning wearing nothing but your Jessica Simpson concert shirt, tube socks and Tweety Bird flannel boxers to get the latest issue.... 

Super Secret Preview Sneak Peak: A retrospective of the first decade of the 2000's, as only Hell in a Handbasket can do!

Love,

Lola

As always, feel free to message me! I would love to hear from you, but only if it’s flattering, you agree with me, and want to tell me how awesome I am.

THE DEPARTMENT OF LISTS PRESENTS: SHIT CINCINNATI NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OVER

Food Shit

• Frisch’s.  Shitty sandwiches.  Who the fuck puts tartar sauce on a burger?
• Graeter’s Black Raspberry Chip. Good, but not orgasm-inducing good, like everyone says.
• Goetta.  Oatmeal and sausage mixed together and fried?  Just fucking gross.
• Applebee’s.  It’s the Wal-Mart of casual dining. You’re not at a bistro; you’re at a glorified Arby’s.
• Yellow Tail Wine.  This is as about as wine-like as a Zima.

 Fashion Shit

• Chicken butt haircuts with two-tone hair.  Jeez, what’s it been, 8 years since this fucking style came out?
• Goatees.  Yeah, yeah.  We get it.  You’re a heterosexual male from Cincinnati.  Fucking yawn.
• Capri pants.  You either want to wear shorts or you don’t. Plus, your calves aren’t that nice.
• Brown unisex sandals with the thick soles. Especially combined with a fucking fanny pack.
• Hipster beards.  Come on guys.  Enough is enough.  Mix it up and try a handlebar moustache.
• Baseball caps on everyone.  You don’t look casual; you look like you stopped caring years ago.  And as for the girls?  No; it doesn’t make you look sassy & cute. It makes you look like you didn’t fucking wash your hair and you’re trying to hide it.

 Music Shit

• Jimmy Buffet. Stop dressing like a retarded Hawaiian clown, getting drunk on Mich Ultra, and pretending you know the words to “Cheeseburger in Paradise”.
• Party in the Park.  MTV’s Spring Break Whore Fest disguised as a frat boy convention.
• WEBN.  Hasn’t been musically relevant since 1982. A frog?  Your mascot is a fucking frog!?
• 400 goddamn pop country music stations.  And we can’t even get a decent alt station to last more than a few months?

 Cultural Shit

• East Side vs. West Side.  It’s like making a distinction between Miracle Whip and fucking Mayo.
• The Taste of Anything.  No matter what we’re supposed to be “tasting,” these festivals smell like feet, burnt pizza, and carnies.
• KingsIsland and/or Coney Island.  These aren’t islands.  They’re Carnivals of the Damned with overpriced trinkets made by underaged Taiwanese children.
• WEBN Fireworks.  “Can I have your attention? Can I have your attention?  Will the drunk, fat fuck on the Kentucky side of the river please come down to the front?  We’ve found your mullet.”
• Saying, “Please?” when you want the person you’re talking with to repeat something.  “Please?  Please what?  Please punch you in the stomach? Why certainly!”
• PurplePeople Bridge.  Just burn the goddamn thing down.  No one has ever cared enough to go.
• Where you went to high school.  No one gives a fuck.  Was the high point of your life in 1982? Grow up.

 Home & Garden Shit

• McMansions.  How does anyone know where they live?  They all look alike.  By the way, how you like those property values now?  Thanks President Bush! 
• The IKEA Store.  It’s just a store, people. Besides, I bet you can’t even pronounce any of the names of the products.
• Macy’s.  “Hi. I shop where everyone else shops, because I have no fucking imagination.  Sigh.”  
• Obsession with mulch.  Jeez, are you afraid someone might see your soil?

Do you have any comments about this list? Please feel free message me.  I would love to hear from you, but only if it’s flattering, you agree with me, and want to tell me how awesome I am.

This is the former Amber Waves, Co-Founder, and part of the Original Dirty Dozen from Hell in a Handbasket!  I've broken free of my old moniker, so please call me Lola from now on! 

It broke my heart to see the old Ning site close down, and the Hellion Family has always been on my mind.  El Rey and I have spoken often of bringing it back, especially since we've made so many friends and acquaintances over the last two years, so we finally decided to go for it because we missed y'all so much! 

Plus, it was fun, n'est-ce pas?  Like El Rey mentioned, where else are you going to get deep discussion threads about gardening, sex toys, cooking, hardcore, punk, art. disco, kids toys, Cincinnati Traffic & Weather, the best place to get a pizza, growing up, beer, and hot rods?  ALL IN CINCINNATI??? 

We've always felt that Cincinnati needs it's own tight-knit community of misfits, miscreants, vagrants, punks, outcasts and nerds.  Sometimes this is all one person, sometimes we're one or two of these things, and sometimes we're none of it.  But we'll always be Hellions and Rebels!

As exciting as this all is, I'm even more excited to be bringing back the old-school print 'zine!  There won't be any sort of regular production schedule, and it will definitely have a looser, more organic feel than the first editions.  Consider this an open call for all writers.  If you'd like to submit, then do it.  Don't be shy... do it if you feel like it, don't if you don't.  No pressure... We can't absolutely promise that EVERYONE will make it in the 'zine at any one time, but we always appreciate interest and support! 

In any case, look for it (when it's ready) at the usual places, record stores, tatttoo shops, bathrooms, bars, prisons, the circus, shower curtain salesmen conventions, church, zombie reunions, and your mom's house.

It's so good to be back!  Love you!

Lola  (the former Amber Waves)

Lisa (Amber Waves) and I realized how many friendships we made because of the site and writing the zine and we need it to continue. We'll be putting out another print zine, learning from the past on what went good and what to avoid.

This site is starting out over again, so we can add and delete things as we see fit. If you know of any old Hellions, tell them about the site. If you know of some new ones that should join...tell them too.

Welcome BACK!

~El Rey